By Sarah D.
Marketer | Anti-Bullying Advocate
How to Do the Right Thing After You Stayed Silent
You avoid conflict.
Not because you are a coward, but because you do not see the point in making situations worse. You keep the peace, you pick your battles, and you let things go. You always have. Avoiding conflict has been your way of surviving in environments where speaking up was not an option.
You stay out of drama; you stay professional; you stay safe. And most of the time, it feels like the right choice (or at least the less risky one).
Until the moment it is not.
Until you are sitting at your desk and a colleague you have trusted for years delivers a sharp, backhanded compliment to the new intern. You are caught off guard. So is the intern, but when you catch their eye, you see it: a flicker of humiliation.
Everything in you wants to speak up. You want to push back. You want to do something. But avoiding conflict at work feels safer.
So you stay silent, despite everything inside you urging you to respond. Despite the fact that you are still thinking about the incident because you know it was wrong.
You chose silence, but you feel like a coward.
You are not.
You are simply conflict avoidant.
Define “Coward”
The dictionary defines a “coward” as someone who lacks courage in the face of danger. Being conflict avoidant does not mean you lack courage. In fact, conflict avoidance is common. Few people seek out confrontation or drama. However, there are times when avoiding conflict may cause more harm than good, particularly when toxic dynamics or passive aggression go unaddressed.
How Do You Deal With Workplace Bullying (Without Becoming the Target)?
Many people believe they only have two options when dealing with workplace bullying:
- Call it out and risk retaliation; or
- Say nothing and hope it eventually stops.
There is, however, a third option.
Quiet Validation
You do not have to create a scene. You do not have to file a report immediately. All you need to do is pull the person aside and say:
I saw what happened. That was not okay. You did not deserve that.
That is it. Speaking up at work does not have to be confrontational or intimidating. By privately validating a colleague who was mistreated, you take a meaningful step toward professional resolution. You also retrain your mind and reduce anxiety each time you do it.
Speaking Up at Work Does Not Always Mean Being Loud
Speaking up is often misunderstood. It does not require you to publicly call someone out.
In a professional setting, advocacy can look like:
- Sending a supportive email or message after a tense meeting;
- Backing up a colleague’s idea in the next discussion;
- Offering to accompany someone when they address the issue;
- Asking HR a clarifying question without framing it as a formal complaint.
If you have ever wondered how to respond to a workplace bully without creating more stress or conflict, understand that validation and support matter. These quiet forms of advocacy are significant.
Why This Works: The Psychology Behind Quiet Action
The Science
Bandura (1999) observed that individuals often disengage morally when they do not feel personally responsible. This is particularly true in group settings; silence, even unintentional silence, can reinforce harmful behavior.
In contrast, research by Feeney and Collins (2015) shows that emotional validation and supportive relationships can buffer stress, increase resilience, and promote recovery following interpersonal harm.
You do not have to fix everything. You only need to ensure someone does not feel alone in the experience.
If you prefer diplomacy over confrontation, there are still effective ways to contribute to a healthier workplace:
- Make space: quietly check in with the affected person;
- Document patterns: privately and without alarm;
- Use your influence: support people when it counts;
- Ask questions that slow down harmful interactions
(for example: “Can you clarify what you meant by that?”).
Professional resolutions are not about causing a scene; they are about consistency and small acts of courage.
The Takeaway
You do not have to be the loudest voice in the room to make a meaningful difference. Your quiet support, empathy, and awareness can be enough to help someone who truly needs it.
Resources:
Bandura, A. (1999). Moral Disengagement in the Perpetration of Inhumanities. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 3(3), 193-209. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327957pspr0303_3 (Original work published 1999)
Feeney, B. C., & Collins, N. L. (2015). A new look at social support: A theoretical perspective on thriving through relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 19(2), 113–147. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868314544222
Linehan, Marsha. Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. New York: Guilford Press, 1993.