(How to do the right thing after you stayed silent)
By Sarah D. Marketer | Anti-Bullying Advocate
You Know the Scene
You avoid conflict.
Not because you’re a coward, but because you don’t see the point in making things worse. You keep the peace, you pick your battles, and you let things go. You always have. Avoiding conflicts is how you have survived in environments where speaking up wasn’t an option.
You stay out of drama. You stay professional. You stay safe. And, most of the time, it feels like the right choice. At least, the less risky one.
Until the moment it doesn’t.
Until you’re sitting at your desk and a colleague you’ve trusted for years turns to deliver a sharp, backhanded complement to the new intern. You’re caught of guard. So is the intern, but you catch their eye and see it.
A flicker of humiliation.
Everything in you wants to speak up. You want to push back. You want to do something. But avoiding conflict at work feels safer.
So, you stay silent and say nothing.
Despite everything in you screaming at you to do something. Despite the fact that you’re still thinking about the incident because you know it was wrong.
You chose silence, but you feel like a coward.
You’re not.
You’re just conflict avoidant.
Define Coward
The dictionary defines the word “coward” as someone who lacks courage in the face of danger. Being conflict avoidant doesn’t mean you lack courage. In fact, conflict avoidance is very common. Not many people want to deal with drama, but here’s the truth: sometimes, avoiding conflicts can cause more harm than good. This is especially true when toxic dynamics or passive aggression goes unchecked.
How Do You Deal With Bullying in the Workplace (Without Becoming the Target)?
Many people believe that they only have two options when it comes to dealing with bullying in the workplace:
1. Call out the workplace bullying and risk retaliation, or 2. Say nothing and hope it simmers down.
But there’s actually another option!
QUIET VALIDATION
You don’t have to make a scene to do this. You don’t have to immediately report someone. All you have to do is pull that person aside and say:
I saw what happened. That wasn’t okay. You didn’t deserve that.
That’s it. Speaking up at work doesn’t have to be uncomfortable or intimidating. By privately validating the individual that is being bullied, you’re taking steps towards professional resolutions. Further, you’re retraining your mind and anxiety each time!
Speaking up at work at Work Doesn’t Always Mean Being Loud
Speaking up at work is often a misunderstood concept. It doesn’t mean walking up to someone and publicly calling them out.
In a professional setting, this can look like: – A supportive email or message after a tense meeting. – Backing up a colleague’s idea in the next conversation. – Offering to be present when someone else addresses the issue. – Asking HR a clarifying question without framing it as a complaint.
If you’ve ever wandered how to deal with a workplaces bully without causing more issues or stress for yourself, understand that VALIDATION and SUPPORT are significant. They are quiet forms of advocacy and they matter far more than you think.
Why This Works: The Psychology Behind Quiet Action
The research backs this up!
Albert Bandura (1999) noted that individuals frequently disengage morally when they don’t feel personally responsible. This is especially true in group dynamics. This indicates that silence, even if accidental can reinforce harm.
On the other hand, Feeney & Collins (2015) performed studies that indicate emotional validation and supportive relationships buffer stress, increase resilience, and aids in recovery after interpersonal harm.
You don’t have to fix everything. You just have to make sure they’re not alone.
Professional Resolutions Starts With Subtle Courage
Now, if you are the type that wants diplomacy over drama, you don’t have to put yourself in a position of confrontation. There are other paths to professional resolution:
– Make Space: check in with the person quietly – Document pattern: privately and without panic – Use your influence: back people up when it matters – Ask a question that slows down the moment: “Hey, what did you mean by that?”
Professional resolutions aren’t about causing a scene. They’re about consistency and small acts of bravery.
The Takeaway
You don’t have to be the loudest voice to make a difference in someone life. You just need to trust that your silent support, empathy, and awareness are enough to be there for someone that needs it.
Resources:
Bandura, A. (1999). Moral Disengagement in the Perpetration of Inhumanities. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 3(3), 193-209. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327957pspr0303_3 (Original work published 1999)
Feeney, B. C., & Collins, N. L. (2015). A new look at social support: A theoretical perspective on thriving through relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 19(2), 113–147. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868314544222
Linehan, Marsha. Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. New York: Guilford Press, 1993. Print.
